Speaking With Confidence

Overcoming Stage Nerves: Practical Confidence Tips for Speakers and Leaders from Alex Sanfilippo

• Tim Newman • Season 1 • Episode 100

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Ever wondered why so many high-achieving leaders and communicators struggle to recognize their own value? In our 100th episode of Speaking with Confidence, we tackle this powerful question and much more with a very special guest who’s played a major role in my own podcasting journey—Alex Sanfilippo.

I kicked off this milestone episode reflecting on the journey so far and the importance of crafting your communication skills. From day one, Speaking with Confidence has been about helping you show up as your most authentic, impactful self—whether it's in storytelling, leadership, podcasting, or daily conversations. To celebrate our 100th episode, I invited Alex Sanfilippo, founder of PodMatch.com and the host of Podcasting Made Simple, to join me. If you’re not familiar, PodMatch is a brilliant platform that automatically matches podcast hosts and guests, a true game changer for podcasters looking to deliver more value and connect with new audiences.

We dove deep into topics that every communicator and leader will relate to—especially if you’ve ever doubted the impact you make. Alex Sanfilippo shared honestly about his own struggle with imposter syndrome, the challenge of recognizing the ripple effects of our work, and why surrounding yourself with the right people is so critical—not only for accountability but for remembering your successes and celebrating your growth. We reminisced about some of Alex’s earliest lessons as a 10-year-old entrepreneur selling golf balls, and how those negotiations with adults laid the foundation for his confidence and communication today.

Here’s what you’ll learn in this episode:

  • Why so many high achievers underestimate their own value and impact
  • How imposter syndrome shows up (even for seasoned leaders and creators)
  • The importance of community—having people who’ll tell you when you’re doing great and when you need to grow
  • How laughter, play, and fun can transform not just your mood, but your effectiveness as a communicator
  • Lessons from childhood entrepreneurship that still apply to adult leadership and negotiations
  • How to reflect on your day and extract lessons that drive growth
  • The difference between representing yourself as a brand and representing a company—and why authenticity matters more than ever
  • A powerful story about vulnerability on stage, and how genuine emotion connects more deeply than perfection ever could
  • Tips for managing nerves before speaking, including “mindset hacks” to recast anxiety as excitement
  • Why storytelling, not just well-organized points, is at the heart of powerful communication
  • How to use your walk-up song or other rituals to channel energy and confidence before you speak

Whether you’re a podcaster, leader, or someone simply looking to speak up with more confidence, this 100th episode is packed with honest insights, practical strategies, a few laughs, and plenty of encouragement about the unique value only you can offer.

Thank you for being part of this incredible journey to 100 episodes. Tune in to hear my conversation with Alex Sanfilippo—I promise you’ll walk away ready to communicate (and live!) with more confidence.

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Tim Newman:

Welcome back to Speaking with Confidence, a podcast that helps you build the soft skills that lead to real results. Communication, storytelling, public speaking, and showing up with confidence in every conversation that counts. I'm Tim Newman, a recovering college professor turn communication coach, and I'm thrilled to guide you on your journey to becoming a powerful communicator. Today's guest is Alex San Filippo. Alex is a podcaster and the founder of PodMatch.com, a platform that automatically matches podcast hosts and guests for interviews. Through PodMatch and his podcast titled Podcasting Made Simple, Alex helps independent podcasters grow their influence and revenue so they can better serve their listeners. Alex, well welcome to the show, bud.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Tim, thank you so much for having me. Really an honor to be here today.

Tim Newman:

You know, I'm I'm so excited to have you for many, many reasons. Um, but you know, I I tell everybody I talk to how you and the PodMatch team have really changed my life and the lives of podcast podcasters all over the world. Uh this is my hundredth episode of speaking with confidence. And I would not have made it this far without your support and the support of the rest of the pod match team. So so thank you so, so much.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Man, it's it's an honor to hear that. Like as someone who's listened to your podcast for it feels like years now. I don't know how long it's actually been, right? But uh because you said 100 episodes, I feel like, wait, that had to be listening a lot longer ago than that, but but maybe not. But um, man, again, as someone who's listened, someone who's just um who has learned from you, it means so much that you're using podmatch. You're part of it, and and seriously, congratulations on 100 episodes. The chances of making it there are like it's very few and far between to ever see a podcaster make it that far, which just has so much more about you and the craft that you've created here. Uh so thank you, Tim, for for having me and congratulations again.

Tim Newman:

Well, this is gonna be fun. And again, I I appreciate it. And and I'm glad you said it's a craft because that that's kind of how I how I talk about it. Um, you know, it I I don't want to, I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I but I work hard at this. I you know, I work hard at you know becoming a better podcaster, becoming a better interviewer, be becoming a better communicator, better listener, all the all those things because you know what one of the things that is you harp on a lot, which I really resonates with me, is providing value, providing value to whoever it is that that we're working with, that we're dealing with in in in in any given moment. And it's just so important.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Hey, I couldn't agree more. I believe that like value has to be the center of everything we do. And if it's not, I think maybe that our our motives are misaligned at times. And so I only see people reach 100 episodes of their podcast and beyond if their motive is to to serve somebody, to add value, to make it more than about themselves, the individuals that kind of look internal. Uh listeners feel it, right? Like I mean, we can see it when people are on stage. You can kind of see that anywhere where there's someone who's clearly in it for themselves. The rest of us are kind of like, eh, something feels off here, right?

Tim Newman:

Right, right, right. But let's let me take that just one step further because you said something in in our pre-interview chat um that that again to me was very, very powerful. You you said that sometimes we d diminish our own worth as leaders thinking, you know, we've only played a small part. Why do you think so many high-impact people struggle with to acknowledge their own value for for other people? Because I I I definitely do. I had a conversation just last week with a former student. And I said, All I did was put you in a position to be successful. And he was telling me, well, uh what he was doing with somebody else, and then he just said the same thing. I said, But you did it. You it if it weren't for you, that person wouldn't have been successful. But I'm not accepting for myself. So I that really resonates with me.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Me too. And I'm just gonna say for for you, for everyone listening, Tim, you know this, but everyone listening, this is a struggle of mine as well. I I mean, people call it imposter syndrome. There's all kinds of names for it beyond that, even these days. And it's it's a real feeling. Like, we don't want to overplay the value that we've added, the the role that we've played, and some of that could be humility, which is of course better than the opposite, right? Yeah, right, right. Nonetheless, it's tough for for a lot of us to just accept the fact that, like, hey, we made a real impact in someone else's life or in a market or in a community, whatever it might be. It's really tough. And the reality is like, I don't have like the answer. Like, I wish I had to be like, but all you have to do is, right? Like, it's not that, but it's it's surrounding yourself with the right people that remind you, hey man, you're you're doing more than you think. Like Tim, when you I talked, I reminded you, I'm like, hey, you are helping a lot of people literally do what your podcast is about. You're teaching people to speak with confidence, and there is real impact happening. There are people's lives that have been changed because of that. And when we hear it from somebody else that we love, we respect, we even admire a little bit, right? We're able to say, okay, they're right. It's it's just harder for me to say that. So for me, the biggest thing that I do is I surround myself with people, not that like puff me up full of pride, right? But that will say, hey, Alex, you are doing something good. You're doing something important. At the same time, they're the first people that beat me up when I'm doing something wrong, right? So it kind of keeps you humble in that, in that whole like that circle, if you will.

Tim Newman:

But but I I think those people are critical to success. Because, like you said, and and here I go, I'm honing in right on that piece. If you've messed something up, they tell you about it. Because it, I mean, a lot because uh a lot of times we do surround ourselves with with people who are just gonna tell us we're great, but I would much rather have somebody tell me that I'm messing something up and I need to straighten it out or I need to get better at this or or or whatever it is. Because again, it it comes it comes back to being better at a craft, being better individuals, being better people, and providing more value to others.

Alex Sanfilippo:

I I think I I I used to to feel that same way, Tim, but I I've kind of hit the point now where I'm tired of getting beat up. Like from the people I love, right? Like not in a bad way, but I'm like point at my flaws, point my flaws, point my flaws, like tell me I can do better. And I had so much of that happening that was it honestly, I felt beat up. I felt like I was kind of getting burnt out, and I think I just needed some love, you know? Like, well, tell me I'm not terrible, right? And so I think that there is like there truly has to be a balance. Because for guys like you and I, they're high achievers. Yes, we love to know when something's wrong because that's our number one spot to be able to fix. Great, fixed it. What's next? Okay, what's next? What's next? Sometimes it's good to say, hey, slow down a minute. You're doing such a good job. Look at the impact it's having. And for me, I'm like, oh wait, I breathe. You're right. There is something good here, right? It's not like all bad or things to improve. But I think a lot of high achievers, we we really struggle with that. So for me, I'm I'm hitting this point of balance where I'm okay to say, hey, I need some love right now. Not tough love. I just need someone to tell me I'm good. You know, like it's going a long way in my in my walk uh these days.

Tim Newman:

Well, and and I think you you talked a little bit about that, you know, in an episode of podcasting made simple a couple weeks ago with with Chase Jarvis. And again, it that episode, you know, there's so yeah, I mean, I'm I'm sure you find this too, that there's certain episodes that that just hit you right right at your heart. I mean, and you go, wow, I'm not the only one. Wow, that that makes so much sense. I mean, I mean, it that really kind of brings things out. And in one point in that episode, y'all were talking about creativity and play and fun, right? And I tell tell the story that I got into podcasting because my life there was no fun in my life, zero. I mean, I had a lot of things going on, um, family sickness, and you know, all kinds of types of things. And I started the the golf week podcast because I wanted to do something fun. And I had no idea where that where it was going to take me, and this is where it is now. And and and that that that to me what was was so important to understand that you know I wasn't the only one that that had had kind of lost my way in in that in that sense, let's put it that way.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, I'm I'm you talked about that episode with Chase Jarvis, and thank you for calling that out, by the way. It was it was a great conversation. And for me as well, like when I was even prepping for it, reading his book and talking with him, same thing I realized I had I had cut play, joy, and fun out of what I do for my job, right? Like, yes, I I run a company that I love, I have a lot of fun with it, but we can all we can all kind of blur that line, right? Where it's like, hey, we like you can't do this and lose your soul, right? Like it is not worth it. Like you could become the greatest speaker on the planet, but if you don't have some joy in it, you don't enjoy it from time to time, you're going to lose yourself in it. And maybe everyone in the world thinks that you're amazing, but like, do you? And I think that's a really valid question. And so for me, I had to sit back and realize that, like, yeah, on paper, I've been achieving a lot. But when I look at myself in the mirror, am I really happy? Am I having a lot of fun? Like, am like not every minute of every day has to be fun, right? Like I'm scared of doing hard work, right? But there's gotta be, once again, some form of balance and re-learning that, re-hearing that, like you, Tim, it just reshaped things for me. So I've been having more fun. And sometimes it means closing my laptop when I'm done versus like, well, there's other things I can do, right? It means I'm gonna, I'm I'm leaving, you know, I'm out of here today because I I did enough work to be done today. And I think that so many of us, we need that reminder that like joy, fun, yeah, it just the journey, the process itself can be just as beautiful as the destination.

Tim Newman:

Yeah, I mean, I I tell people I could work 24-7 for like five years and it'll never be done. It'll never be done. I mean, and and so the the the whole idea of taking that step back and and injecting fun in what we do as well, you know, because I I think specifically in terms of communication, how the dynamic changes when you when you are having fun, and that comes across. You know, your tone changes, your body language changes, your face changes, um, and and how that's received by whoever it is that you're talking to, whether it's one person, whether it's a small group, whether it's a a big arena, doesn't really matter. They they really do kind of feed off of that and feel that, and it changes the whole dynamic of whatever it is that you're talking about.

Alex Sanfilippo:

It really does. I hadn't really thought about this, Tim, but you can you can tell when somebody's having a good time versus not, right? Like you can see it. And just out of curiosity, like what are what are you doing like to to interject more fun? Like, what are is there any practical things that you can help me with, right? Like, and hopefully the listeners as well.

Tim Newman:

Oh I I make fun of myself a lot, but because you know, and you kind of said it in in that episode, I don't take myself very seriously at all. I I really don't. I and if I mess up, I I I laugh. If if I'm speaking, like if I'm speaking on stage and I say something silly, I'll I'll laugh or or whatever. Uh and even in in in in podcasting, I I tell people I don't edit. The only thing I'll edit for me is the read either the read in or the read out because that has to be perfect. But if we're having this conversation and and I say something dumb or whatever, I just laugh at it and and roll with it. Uh because it's what's the worst thing. I mean, it's we're just talking. It's it's just like two friends talking. It it is what it is. You you wouldn't go to your friend and say, you know what, uh I'm erase that from your from your brain and your memory, I'm gonna start over again. Right. So so that's that that's one for for me, but uh but also you know, to to spend time doing things that that are that are fun. What whatever it is. I'm I'm part of an accountability group right now, and uh one of the uh pieces in that accountability group is uh to sp to spend more time uh non-work time with my wife. I mean, you know, my wife and I are like you and Alicia. We we we work together almost everything that we do, right? And for a while it's just been uh every conversation has been about work. And and for me, it's you know what, we're gonna spend more time doing husband-wife things, fun things, you know, whatever it is, and not talking about work. So f finding those things that that that you have is is really important. And for me, the other thing, I I gotta talk about my grandkids. That's that is my real fun for for now.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Oh, that's so cool. Uh like making fun of yours, making fun of yourself, like not in a bad way, obviously, like as you just share, but like I think that's huge. And then like uh doing things that spend time doing things that are fun and spending time with your family. Like, I I love that stuff. That two more that I'll add real quick that have worked for me is one to turn it into a joke. Like I like wrote down those words, turn it into a joke, and all that means is sometimes we we have to do some really hard work. Can I make it fun? Because Alicia, my wife and I, as you just uh mentioned, we we work in the same place, like we are and we we do the same stuff, right? So sometimes we're like tackling something together, it's like really difficult. And like I'm a I've always been kind of like a witty, loud person. So uh I'll just throw some random joke out there that like makes it much less serious, and she it always gets a laugh from her. That's one thing I I think I've maintained even after we got married in 2012. So after this long of marriage, being able to continue to get her to laugh. And so sometimes she's just like she's like, wow, this how did you turn that into a joke, right? And like, but it's fun, and then we we go finish it, we get it done, right? Uh and the other thing is I I spend time intentionally reflecting through my day, reminding myself, like, hey, did I do something that was fun? What was that win? What was fun today? Uh, not because I have to teach myself to like to say, yeah, that was fun, but just so I can remember to be on the lookout for it during the day as well. So I can highlight those moments and make kind of it caused my memory to to like be in that moment saying, Oh, this is actually fun. I'm gonna remember this later when I'm reflecting. Right. Those two things have helped me a lot as well. Yeah.

Tim Newman:

And have you found when you when you do that, you wake up happier too?

Alex Sanfilippo:

100%. Oh, yeah. Uh yeah. It went from I used to be like go to sleep stressed, wake up stressed type of thing. And now it's like I go to bed, like, man, I I did some cool stuff today. Next day I'm like, I wonder what I'm gonna do today. Right. So yeah, like it's weird, but it totally works. And a lot of people had told me for years that that would work. I didn't believe it, and I tried it, and I'm like, uh-oh, they were right.

Tim Newman:

And and and at least for me, and I and I think for others as well, but by having that, you know, it in your um in your wheelhouse, in your repertoire, whatever you want to call it, it it takes some of the stress or the things that we had that uh that imposter syndrome, it kind of cuts the edge off of that a little bit too. And it makes it makes some of the things that we do a little bit easier. I'm not saying it makes it makes it easy because you know there we still have to do the hard thing, but it makes it a little bit easier if if if we can uh look at it in in that little bit of a different way.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it it definitely does. I think that's a hundred percent right.

Tim Newman:

So you started your career as an entrepreneur when you were 10. Okay. Selling golf balls. And and I love this, I love this story. Um, obviously I I do a lot of space, uh a lot of work in the golf space, but and I see kids on on golf courses all the time selling golf balls, and and I I I think about you. Uh when I see them, you know, what did you learn at at 10 years old in terms of selling and communicating that has kind of stayed with you?

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, it's funny, like being a 10-year-old kid who starts selling used golf balls back to golfers. Many of them had their initials on. Eventually we get we knew who was who, right? So like you'd be like this guy, he always hit the ball, hits his ball in the water. And uh yeah, I you know, I learned a lot from it. And a lot of it is kind of like retrospective. Like you kind of look back and you're like, okay, I I realized there were some things that like I learned there that carried with me on an ongoing basis. One was to to negotiate with adults, and so like now that I'm an adult, it's like okay, negotiating with adults, negotiating with people maybe further along than I am that maybe have that don't look up to me the way that they would look up to their peers, right? Like, I'm I'm okay in those settings, mostly because when I was a kid, believe it or not, some golfers really like to try to get a deal and they like to try to like trick a kid to be like, oh, I'll give you five dollars for three. I'm like, wait, it should be six, you know, right? Like uh something something along those lines. But uh that was the first thing I learned was to negotiate in addition, in addition to that, like to actually have a coherent conversation just around a topic that maybe I didn't really know. Because the thing is, I didn't really know golf back then. Like I ended up playing later and and and enjoyed it, but at at that point, I hadn't ever played golf before. But I learned how to keep a conversation going, how to learn how to apply it, how to speak the lingo. It was the world I was in as a 10-year-old kid, right? And so, but I just learned to communicate well about the game of golf. And eventually, watching so many golfers hit off the the tee, I could I figure out what a good and bad shot was, right? Like as a 10-year-old kid who never played, that was I I was proud of it. And uh there was other kids that were like along time. It wasn't just me standing out there alone. There was five or six of us in total, I'd say, but they always uh always asked me to be the one to talk. So they're like, hey, we'll do all the work. You gotta talk to these these golfers and and convince them to buy stuff. And so like those those things, negotiating, learn to communicate really well, carrying myself somewhat professionally even as a kid. Like, I learned these things like starting at 10 years old and carried them with me.

Tim Newman:

And and that's really really so important because like you said, you you you already have those practices and skills. And I heard somebody uh speak just the other day that kind of hit a little bit different as well. As kids, uh we already have uh experience in selling and negotiation. We don't think about it. Like with your parents. Can I stay up later? You know, how how do you convince your parents to stay up later? How do you convince your parents to buy stuff? Uh or or whatever it is. And we don't think about that. But it's it's true. We we do have negotiation and selling skills when we're younger, but we don't translate it over. And so you as a 10-year-old, having that that business is it's it's it's critical and and really probably has really elevated you above your your your peers who with who you grew up with.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, it it's it's a great practice. So for for anyone listening today, like this is a this is a little takeaway for you. Think back to the first thing you did as a kid that you thought was really successful, whether it was like getting your bedtime moved, upping your allowance, like whatever it might be. I don't know what generation everyone grew up in, whatever your your phase was. Think about that first thing. And for me, it was actually this story. That um, Tim, I'm grateful you brought up to me selling golf balls. That was like the first thing I'd say I did that was like this was a success. And then sit down and think about okay, what are the three to five lessons I learned from that that I still carry today? Like, what are the highlights? And those things I just talked about, Tim, like that's I've done that practice. Like I didn't have to think off the top of my head right now. Like, I already knew that's what I learned from this. And I think it's actually a really great practice because it kind of can speak to where you are today, whether that's in your ability to speak, communicate, lead, whatever it might be, you can go back to some of those early lessons in life and be like, Yeah, you know what? I did learn these three things from it. And I think it actually elevates even further when you bring it to your recognition.

Tim Newman:

Yeah. It it it it really does. You know, there there's so there's so much that that that you that you again that that you can learn from that. It if you if you can think back, and and you you said something a little bit ago, that that you you you take time to to go back and um go through your day. What what did you learn? Um those types of things are so important. There's a that's something that really helped helps people grow, right? Um, because otherwise we'd we end up doing the same things over and over again, and we don't really ever ever get better. Um and it's uh to me, it's just so important.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, if if we if we don't track it, then we don't really know what's going on, right? You gotta you gotta track it. And I might be a little bit over the top with that, I will admit. Like I have a daily planner that I use, all that type of stuff. But I'll tell you what, it's made a big difference in my life. And like I I know where I was yesterday versus where I am today. And regularly had a friend the other day, uh, had a question for him, went to dinner, and there was uh it was uh me and him and our wives, and I was like, hey man, I got a question for you. Let me run into um the car and grab my planner. And I told him, like, this is a topic I'm focused on for the next 85 days, 90 days total, and five days in. I have a question. And he goes, Of course you do this every day. And like that, that was all he said. Yeah, nothing else is all he goes, of course you do. He's like, You're the guy who would do that. And he's like, and in 90 days from now, you'll know this topic better than anyone I know. And anyway, it was just one of those things. It's like, hey, like I want something specific to come out of this, so I'm going to be specific with my time with what I want to learn.

Tim Newman:

And and I think here's the here's the other the other piece to that. You know, that's what works for you. Right. Something else may work for for somebody else, but whatever it is, you but you need to find out what whatever it is that works for you and and do it. Don't do don't do nothing. Find what what works for you and and do do it every day. And you know, John Maxwell's when he when you talk John Maxwell, he says, What do you mean you do it every day? He said, What does that mean? He says, uh, it means uh every day. It doesn't mean every other day, doesn't mean every third day. It me when he says he does something every day, that means he does it every day. You know, and that's what what really you know precipitates that that that change, right?

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah. Uh and I I I think the daily habit, having a routine, it's it's important. Like if we want to go places, we've got to be willing to do that. And so whatever works for you, as you said, because everyone's brain is different. Some people love digital stuff. I I actually sure I'm a software founder, but I mostly do stuff on pen and paper. And that's just what works for me.

Tim Newman:

Yeah, and I'm and I'm I'm all digital. I mean everything. Primarily because if I write something down, nobody can read it, including myself.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Should have been a doctor, Tim. Should have been a doctor. Well, you know, college professor, your training got doctors. You were close.

Tim Newman:

Yeah, exactly. So but let let's uh move forward a little bit in your life. Uh you got into into corporate life, um, and you said once what when you left corporate life and started pod match, you had to become a different kind of communicator. Um how did that transit transition change you? And what did you mean by a different kind of communicator?

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, after 15 years in big corporate, I was in the aerospace industry. For listeners, I wasn't an astronaut, wasn't a skydiver, wasn't a fighter pilot. Like won the interesting stuff, worked on a computer, uh, loved that job. I did it for 15 years before uh moving into what I'm doing now, which I consider to be more of a calling. But during that 15 years, like I was a company guy. So, like now, if I go back, I used to run meetings, now I host gatherings, right? That's like one shift. When I used to speak at conferences, I spoke on behalf of that company, not of myself or my own brand. Like I was trained to do exactly what I was supposed to do. It's completely different. And and I really thought, Tim, that when I left that job, moved into this, it would all just be a natural segue. It's not. I mean, it's totally different. Like because now I'm representing myself because it is my brand, my company, right? So it's like, okay, well, who's this Alex guy who runs this company? That's what I want to know. When previously it was like, oh, this is a multi-billion dollar publicly traded company. This is a spokesperson for that brand, right? Like it's not the same at all. And I thought that they would translate. And of course, some of the soft skills and and stuff like that, like they translate, right? But the mindset was so different, man. And like I, I'll be real, I did not transition well with that. Or I shouldn't say it was a good transition. It just took a lot longer than it should have because I just felt like I was starting over completely. I lost what felt like all the confidence I built up over the years, because it's just now it's me. And and that's not what I was used to.

Tim Newman:

So was there something specific that that you struggled with, or was it was it just confidence? Yeah, because I I I'm the same way. What I did in my the way I communicated in in higher education is very different here, right? And I've kind of struggled in changing that as well. But was was there was there something that you struggled with, or was it just your confidence in in the communication?

Alex Sanfilippo:

I'd I'd say the very first thing was feeling like I didn't have a real story because I started listening to podcasts before I got into them. And and and back then there wasn't as many podcasts. So like the shows I was listening to were the same big shows that all of us are big shows, like the high listener shows, mostly celebrity run. And so I kind of felt like that that was going to be the standard when I got into podcasting and into speaking because it was kind of they happened at exactly the same time. Uh, but you know what? I actually think what I needed was a conversation you recently had on your podcast. I'm blanking on her last name, but you had someone named Rachel on. The title of it was I wrote it down, is Mastering Body Language and Authentic Authenticity in Public Speaking. Um, she said this quote, which really stood out to me, and she said, The stories you share don't have to be all big and heroic. Right. Not having these resonates with people more. I struggled the opposite of that because I was listening to like these greats now, the pillars of our industry, thinking, I don't have stories like these guys and like these ladies. Like, I what am I gonna share that's gonna make me stand out at all? Like I had a pretty typical job, good childhood, like nothing traumatic. Like I don't have any like story that's gonna be like, oh man, this guy, like he he overcame everything, right? Like that didn't really happen. And yes, I've had highs and lows, of course, so I'm not like downplaying my own life, but I really struggled with the idea of I don't have anything that's worth anyone wanting to actually listen to and lean in for. And I could not have been more wrong. And by the way, I encourage everyone, go listen to Rachel in that episode. I don't know if you can link to it or something, Tim, later. But I'll link to that. My my point is that was my struggle was thinking that my stories and my experience was not enough to warrant me having a stage, whether that be virtual through my podcast or on a podcast conference stage.

Tim Newman:

Yeah. It's I I'm I'm with you. 100% with you. Uh you know, when when when I when you do academic presentations and academic conferences, it's uh I by by the way, I'd I would rather poke myself in the eyeballs than do that. Um but it's it's it's much different than getting on a stage and talking about uh you know something else. You know, it's much different than podcasting. It's it's it's it's so much different. And it's a it's the same skill, but you it requires different things. And one of the things that I'm that I'm working on now is telling three minute stories. Right. And my coach is is is he's uh pulling things out of me. And I told a story a couple weeks ago that my wife didn't even know about. And she said, Wow, I didn't know about that. And and but it's it's pulling them out and finding a way to make them uh relatable and in providing value and teaching something out of that story. And it's a it's a it's a much more difficult process than than people actually think. Because again, one, I don't like talking by myself. Number two, you know, it's how am I gonna make this mean something to somebody else if I if my wife didn't even know about it? We've been married close to 30 years, right? You know, so it's it's a it's a it's a difficult skill.

Alex Sanfilippo:

That for sure, like to me, it doesn't sound like an easy skill, by the way. Maybe some people are like, oh, I got that. That sounds really complex. Uh but you know, to your to your point here, like those personal stories that you're kind of drawing out and stuff like that, that's exactly what I know ultimately need to learn. It's just be more transparent. Like it wasn't to dress up my stories, make them sound bigger than they were, so I could sound like everyone else in the space, and nothing to do with that. It had to do with me learning to be transparent. When I was working for a company, my job was to not be transparent, right? Become I shouldn't say that. Me, Alex, San Flipo, not be transparent, but be transparent about the company, right? So I was representing a brand, a company, a product, right? Now, yes, I might still have a product service that's mine, but people want to know, okay, who's the guy behind this? Like, that is the direction the world has moved in, especially when you're working in a creator economy like this. You want to know who is this person. And so I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Tim Newman:

Right.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Like, I'll be real, like after years of experience with like my my my talking points, my notes that kind of keep Alex's personal life out of it, to now stepping into fully like, hey, here's what I'm struggling with, here's where I'm at. That was a tough transition. And I'll be real, it was a couple years ago. I uh I cried on a stage.

Tim Newman:

And and Tim, I want to talk about that.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Okay, all right, yeah, let's let's go.

Tim Newman:

So where did that come from? And and what what did you learn from that? Because it because the first time I I was on stage, I threw up.

Alex Sanfilippo:

I haven't done that, Tim. I think I draw the line somewhere.

Tim Newman:

So so where where did that come from? How did that how did that happen?

Alex Sanfilippo:

It was one of the first times I decided to share uh to share a story of mine. So when I was growing up, I really struggled with dyslexia, which uh again, like is something I've not really shared because like praise God, I feel like I overcame that. Like I've I've not stood that in a long time, but it's one of those things that like um talking about it made me emotional, but not because of the dyslexic side. It was because of like the grace my mom had with me. And it was actually speaking at a it was a it was a women's creator creator conference. They always like to have one token guy keynote, and so they chose me. And um, I knew I wanted to get better at sharing personal stories and had started like really doing this, but that was definitely the most personal thing I'd ever shared. I don't think I'd ever actually voiced it ever. And it was one of those things that like I just started talking and started sharing it. I I don't know what hit me, man, but because I'm not usually like much of a crier, but I I couldn't get myself together for a second. And uh I felt embarrassed. I felt like, hey, there's no way they're gonna have me. Like they would never tell anyone that was a good speaker, right? Like these are the thoughts that are running through my head. Right. But the in fact, the exact and you know this, Tim, the exact opposite was true. Like it it apparently was like the One of their best talks I've ever had. Like there was a line of people to give me a hug afterwards. Actually, I think I gave it was like 300 hugs in the line or something like that. And so, um, but it was it was one of those things that like I was like, wait, this was actually good. Like to my previous standard, I would have probably gotten rid of written up for something like that, right? Like when my when I was doing it for the job, and rightfully so. But now it's me representing me and my brand that's very much aligned with who I am, and that's a good thing, right? Like it really messed with my head. But man, like I just started sharing transparently, and tears are what came up when I was doing that.

Tim Newman:

You know, it and it's funny not that that you were in that position, but it it's funny how that happens, right? It's funny how it's the exact opposite of what we actually think. And we've we've because we've been telling ourselves this for forever, right? That we have to be buttoned up, we have to be on point, we can't make mistakes, we can't show emotion, we can't show anything other than we're we're laser focused on whatever the messaging is, and if we're not, we're a failure. And it's the exact opposite.

Alex Sanfilippo:

It is the exact opposite. And I think that people that are up and coming speakers, that's a hard thing to hear. Like, especially more type A people like me. Like, I love a good three-point, you know, topic message. Like, give me five ways to do this. Like, and I love to share that way. But I have learned that if I'm going to share that way, it's got to start and end with a story. It's got to start and end with some transparency. It can't just be the facts anymore. The world is changing, the way that people learn is changing. And for the up-and-coming speaker, that's like, no, no, the person who knows their five points the best is the best. I actually think now it's a person who can interject themselves into those five points the best, transparently in a really raw way. At least for me, even as it's someone attending an event, that's what I resonate with more than anything. And like, I'm not saying don't be polished, don't know your talking points. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying you've got to be the core of it because we can go find those talking points somewhere else, probably. Right. What makes it resonate with somebody is the way that you interject yourself into it. And it sounds counterculture, it sounds uh totally against conventional wisdom. But Tim, like, I are you seeing the same thing? Like, I really want to ask you that because it's what I'm seeing these days.

Tim Newman:

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. I mean, that's when I stopped being buttoned up, that's when I started getting better. That's when I started, you know, having a little bit more um interaction and uh engagement with with the audience. That's when I started seeing more seeing more feedback. When I when I stopped being when I stopped trying to be perfect, stopped trying to be but to be buttoned up. Right. And you know, to your point, I I want to make sure that the audience hears this and we're clear. We're not saying that you don't prepare. We're not saying that you don't do the things that you need to do to be good. You still have to do those things. All we're saying is give more of yourself. Give show some more of your personality, of who you are, of of of you know your your story. How did you come to this uh point, whatever whatever it is that that you're talking about? That's what we're saying.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, I I I think that um I think this is just the direct, like we both said, this direction things are going in. Like it really is. And and for me, I can remember someone who shared a story versus a point, which I think is all of history, right? Like we can remember stories, not necessarily the points, but when someone does just a beautiful job interjecting those two things with their own emotion, doesn't mean tears like me, right? With their own emotion involved in it, like man, does it land, right? Because then you can connect all the dots, but they share the story, and their point was this, right? Like, versus disconnecting the two. And so I I I think I think it should be freeing because the day of having to be the perfect speaker that is just like flawless, I I think is just not what people are resonating with anymore. And I was interested in it and like you and I as speakers though, of course, we look at those individuals like wow, you know, like 45-minute presentation, not one air perfect from start to finish. When somebody listening who's just trying to learn might be like, huh? What are you what are you talking about? Right? Like right, exactly. You're like they they might not realize that. And that that the thing is because they're looking for the connection between you, them, I should say, and the person on stage. And and I I'm I know I'm I don't mean to talk in circles, Tim. I just kind of passionate about this topic these days.

Tim Newman:

No, I mean the the more I think the more people hear that, the more it's gonna resonate, the more they're gonna the more hopefully that they're going to listen to it and then be able to act on that and and become that. Um because I think that's the that's really all we want. And and it could be on stage, it could it could be at a job interview, Alex. I mean, right, right? I mean, where else do you really need to connect with somebody than at a job interview? You know, that that that to me is is is so important, you know, getting yourself getting you and your message and who you are across to whoever's doing the hiring. Um it's if you can't do that anymore, because again, you know there's there's so many people out in the job market, so many people that have the same skills that you do. What what sets you apart? What sets you apart is who you are and your story and how you can come across and tell that story and connect with whoever whoever it is that's doing that hiring. So important.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, I I actually like the idea of even thinking about my future talks on stage as a job interview. Um I have to I I don't have that a full thought on that yet, but I actually like the idea of even just like before I get on stage thinking about this as like a job interview versus because I act different on a job interview than I would on a stage, but maybe maybe there's some connection there. So that's that's wise. I like that, Tim.

Tim Newman:

Well, don't don't go too far off the other end. You know, I you know, I'm a full-time RVer, and I was I was doing a job interview on the phone and started talking about you know living full time in an R V, and I just kept on talking and kept on talking, and we ended up talking about you know empt emptying the the the black water tank, which is the toilet. And um my daughter is in the other room. She just came home from college and saying, Dad, stop talking. Dad, stop talking, dad, stop talking. I never heard from him again. I never heard from him again, so I didn't I didn't get the job. Um you know there's a balance, Tim.

Alex Sanfilippo:

I got it.

Tim Newman:

There is a balance.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Thanks, Coach Tim. I appreciate you looking out for me.

Tim Newman:

You know, it's but it's it's yeah, you you you've gotta know when when's enough. So, but yeah. Uh what is speaking with confidence in your own words?

Alex Sanfilippo:

It's from the heart. First off, it's gotta come from the heart. It's gotta be something that really gets you going that you're excited about. The only way you can have confidence can't be faked. So it's gotta be the things that you like truly believe that you truly are excited about, and then you just get out there and talk. And for me, I always just imagine a room of one person who showed up because they know that they need to hear what I'm going to share. And that's the only way I can really speak with confidence is if I show up thinking that one person, sharing with passion, sharing from what I actually really know. That's when I connect the best.

Tim Newman:

So when let me ask a a kind of a follow-up question. When you're when you're getting ready to go on stage, what's running through your head?

Alex Sanfilippo:

Well, first is the nerves, right? That we've all we all get. Um was it Tim, was it Mark Twain, I think, who who said the quote there's two types of speakers in the world. There's uh those that don't get nervous, or what is it? Those those that get nervous and those that are liars. Is that right? Is that right? Yeah. And so uh the first thing is the nerves are always there, but um, that's my trigger, my reminder to think of two things. Number one is I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing it for them. Right. That's the very first thing. I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for them. And there's just one person here I need to serve. I I literally say those things out loud before I walk onto a stage, just to me, just myself. And I literally am like, Alex, you're here to serve somebody else, not yourself. And there's one person here who really, really needs you today. Get out there and help them. And that for me, just deep breath following that, like calms me down and reminds me, like, hey, I'm not here to perform or to to be some form of sure. I'm I need to be entertaining, but I'm not the entertainment. There's someone here who needs me, and my job is to find them and help them. And that is has helped me so much, man.

Tim Newman:

So when you when you do that and you go through that process, do you feel like a like a weight's lifted as you're walking on stage? Because you know you're it's okay, this is what I'm doing. And now as I'm up, I'm walking up, I'm I'm ready to go and do that. Do you feel do you feel like there's a weight lifted, or is it, or is it still there until you actually start talking?

Alex Sanfilippo:

No, the second I'm I think I don't know what it is, Tim, and you're much more experienced than I am on on this, so you might be able to like articulate better than I came. I'm I'm gonna try here for everyone listening. But the the second I start walking on the stage, it's like I go into a different mode. I'm I'm never talking about something that that I don't know about. Like I will not accept a stage where someone's like, oh, Alex can probably talk about this. Like, I'm not gonna do that. Like it is my topic, which is pretty much podcasting, like being a guest or being a host, right? Like that that's what I talk about. And sure, I run a software company, but I don't speak at uh software conferences. Like I don't actually know that craft as well as some people do. I understand podcasting. Like that is what I know. Those are the stages I go on. So once I'm there, there's no real like, oh, I'm gonna remember my points. No, no, I I know my my points. Like I can I can sit in my sleep, right? Like I know what I'm going to talk about. It's just the anticipation of getting there. And sometimes it can even start like a week before I'm gonna give a talk. Like it'll just hit me. Like I'm like, oh man, I'm giving a talk in a week. You know, right? And that that's kind of like where the nerves come back up. And even then I'll start telling myself, like, it's not for not for me, right? Right. It's it feels like the second I hit that stage, I'm I'm in a different mindset, a different mode. And it all the nerves are completely gone. Like I guess at that point, whatever happens, happens. Maybe I just come to terms with the reality. I don't know.

Tim Newman:

Right. Yeah. Yeah. So for for for me, the weight doesn't get lifted until I start talking. I mean, and and again, it's I I get it. It's my it's me putting that pressure on me because again, I I want to make sure that I'm providing value. I mean, that's that's to me, that's the sole purpose. I'm I'm here to provide that value. And uh it doesn't it doesn't lift. Sometimes it doesn't lift till after I'm a couple minutes in. And I start to feel the feel that feel the rhythm or feel the the you know, I feel myself breathing again. And uh so you know it's there's it really kind of depends. Do you have a walk-up song?

Alex Sanfilippo:

I recently got to ask this, Tim. I didn't have one, but now now I do. Uh it's a song called Loyal by Odessa. And just because you get a first, like, I don't know, 20 seconds of it, 30 seconds of it. And I just I don't know why I've always really enjoyed that song. So when someone asked me, I said that that's what I wanted to be. But if you would have asked me a month before this time, I'd be like, I don't know, right? So, but now I do. Loyal by Odessa, I think is is my walk-on song.

Tim Newman:

See, sometimes I I I play it in my head. Like I hear it in my head when I'm gonna do it.

Alex Sanfilippo:

So you have one and you play your song in your head, even if it's not playing.

Tim Newman:

Even if it's not playing, right.

Alex Sanfilippo:

That's cool. I like that.

Tim Newman:

You know, it's so it's I again, it's it's it's for me, it's just a strategy to number one, to to to get me fired up, to bring some energy out there. Um, and number number two, to let some of that other pressure go. Yeah. So that I'm re so I'm actually ready to to provide that value, right, ready to talk about whatever it is that I'm gonna be talking about.

Alex Sanfilippo:

That's a cool that's a I'm gonna start I might even listen to my song before I start. You know, like that's cool. That's a good insight, Tim. Thank you. That's a good hack right there. I like it.

Tim Newman:

So what what's one practical thing our audience can can start doing today to communicate or serve more more confidently? Because I, you know, you you and I are are big believers in, you know, if you're gonna listen, if you're gonna spend some time listening to this, we want you to be able to walk away and and start doing something now to be better or to to to get over what whatever it is. But what can they do?

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, I'll kind of piggyback off the last thing that I just talked about, which is um remembering that you're there to serve someone else, not yourself, and there's you're there for one person. That's what works for me. Come up with something like that that works for you. And don't just be like, okay, I'll say this next time going on stage. No, no, start now. Start in your prep. So as you're even preparing for your next talk, find the things that really resonate with you that calm you down, that bring you to the proper center. Like, listen, the nerves are gonna be there, and that that's okay. It's actually not a problem. Like, we'd be we wouldn't really be human if we didn't get nervous about stuff. But like, here's another example of something that I like to do. If I ever just feel like I can't overcome the nerves, I remind myself I'm not actually nervous, I'm just really excited. I'm not nervous, I'm just really excited. And that comes up a lot more in like my prep. So, like if I feel like I'm over prepping for something, I start getting nervous. I'm like, ooh, this is me a lot to remember. I'm not nervous, I'm just excited to get to share this information. Find your thing like that and start voicing that now. And let that follow you all the way up till the time you're walking on a stage or even a couple minutes after on stage. But figure those few things out, write them down and start repeating them. When you find the right ones, I actually find that they're really helpful.

Tim Newman:

Alex, that is so good because it it's a mindset shift. I mean, just like that. Be nervous to being excited. I mean, that's a it's a it's a completely different thought and feeling.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, it is, but it's chemically, it's actually really similar in our brain. I looked at the science one time. So it's like in your brain, being nervous or being excited are actually very, very similar, believe it or not. So, but you're right. It it's a complete you feel completely different when you say I'm nervous or I'm excited. Like you look at someone different if they say that too, right? Right. Like it's it's just it's a full shift. And for me, that's another one of those really helpful things along the way when I'm prepping.

Tim Newman:

And I'm sure the b body language and facial expressions change too.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah. Oh yeah.

Tim Newman:

That's awesome. Well, where can people connect with you?

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yeah, Tim, again, thank you for having me. Congratulations on 100 episodes, man. Like that's another thing I want to say. Like 100 episodes is just like uh unheard of in the podcasting space. And I know that you're still honestly just getting started the impact that you're having and going to have. So, first and foremost, again, thank you. Uh, for anyone who enjoyed this day and want to learn more about me, podmatch.com forward slash free. Uh, spoiler, everything I do is in podcasting. So podmatch.com slash free will just give you nine ideas to be a podcast host, to be a podcast guest, or if you're already one or the other, nine ideas to really help you move forward. I don't I don't ask for email address or anything like that. It's just my way of being able to help. So if podcasting or podcast guesting might be a thing for you, podmatch.com slash free. But my main suggestion, hang with Tim. You're really taking people places. Man, as a listener myself, again, thank you.

Tim Newman:

Alex, thank you so much. I I appreciate you you just saying that. Um, but I also encourage listeners to to be a guest on a podcast because you're listening to them. You know, get that feeling, get that that get on it and and share your thoughts and ideas. It's it'll change your life. It'll change how you how you approach things and how you how you look at things. So I appreciate you doing that. And Alex, I can't thank you enough for all that you've done um for me, for this podcast, for for podcasting, and for um joining me today. I uh I really do appreciate it, buddy.

Alex Sanfilippo:

Tim again, thank you. It's it's an honor to have been here today.

Tim Newman:

All right, well we'll see you actually, we'll see you soon. Podfest, right?

Alex Sanfilippo:

Yes, we will. I'll look forward to it.

Tim Newman:

That's gonna be awesome. Thanks so much. Take care. Be sure to visit speakingwithconfidence podcast.com to get your free ebook, Top 21 Challenges for Public Speakers, not every public. You can also register for the formula for public speaking. Always remember your voice has the power changing. We'll talk to you next time.

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Tim Newman

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